Empowering Women Over 40 to Navigate Life’s Transitions with Strength and Grace

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Welcome listeners.

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I am so, so thrilled.

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And I know I say that a lot, but

today is really special to me.

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I have a dear friend.

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I'm kind of like getting

choked up a little.

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Tammy Wellensack has been my

friend in that we haven't ever met.

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face to face, but we work together and

she's a divorce real estate expert that

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I send people to whenever they have

questions about how can I keep the home.

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And we're going to talk about

that a little bit at the end, but

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we've been doing some catching

up, um, just before we jumped on.

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And I'm like, let's just do this.

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on the air because Tammy is

an amazing woman that's been

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through a hard transition.

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She's been through a divorce and you

know, I want to hear a little bit more

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about what she went through and she was

telling me that it was messy and that

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she wishes she would have done it better.

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But I know Tammy, I just want to have

a really, authentic conversation with

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you like we never have and I just want

people to grab a cup of coffee or wine

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or whatever and Listen and listen to

your experience and let's learn from

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it because as I was sharing with Tammy

With this, you know saddle up live in

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addition to doing divorce different I am

still doing mediations and I wasn't going

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to but I am I'm helping people divorce

amicably but I'm also Helping people with

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that last ditch effort if they want to

stay married so that they really feel

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like, okay, I know that I'm ready now.

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And the third thing is empowering

women through transitions.

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Now for me, that was that catching

that stage one breast cancer,

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you know, for you, it might be

divorced, but I want to help women.

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And I kind of focus on 40 and

beyond cause I can't help it.

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I just love us.

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Because we're going through

some different things.

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But so that is another piece of my

website's being kind of reinvented.

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So I think it's so timely that I get

to talk to this darling friend, Tammy,

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who supported me through my transition.

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Might I add, she was always checking

in on me, sending me nice little gifts.

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And I so appreciate that sending prayers.

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I mean, it all, Means

meant the world to me.

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Um, so Tammy, that's a big

introduction, but welcome.

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Oh my gosh.

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Thank you so much.

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I am so just so grateful.

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First of all, to know you and to see,

you know, how you just rise above,

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um, all the challenges that happen.

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And I think that is such a great

message for your listeners.

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Because as we both know, because we

both deal heavily in divorce, it feels

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such, it's such a dark time for people.

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And I remember being under that dark

cloud and not being able to think

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straight, not being able to function.

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Sometimes not even being able

to get out of bed, right?

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Like you just feel so heavy.

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And like the world is on you and

you can't make good decisions.

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And there's a lot of people

dragging on you to make decisions

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and to make decisions quickly.

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I just got off the phone,

um, a little while ago with a

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woman, 20 years married, right?

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And going through a divorce

and everybody is just.

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pushing her to make a

decision, a very big decision.

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And I said, don't let anybody

push you 28 years of marriage.

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You it's okay to take a little bit

of time to make these decisions and

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make sure that you have all of the

information for you and your financial

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future and to make sure that you

empower yourself to make good decisions.

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A good decision, even if that means that

the marriage is over and that's, you

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know, you've come to that realization,

there's still a lot of things that

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need to be discussed and, um, agreed

upon to make sure that you, you know,

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you're, you're comfortable with what

your new life is going to look like.

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So, um, I love, I love what you just said.

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And as you're speaking,

I'm, I, my mind just.

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on to, okay.

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So that woman, that's someone I want

to help and yeah, I could coach her

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because you know how you can spin out.

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Like I, I, I saw it myself.

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And when you're not thinking clearly.

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It's hard to get out of that.

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And sometimes you need medication.

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I mean, some, and that's okay.

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So you call him, you know, you call

in everything you need to, but for

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that, that gal who's struggling

to make those decisions, because I

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struggle every day, I struggle with.

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What's my business going to look like?

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What's everything, what am I going to eat?

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I mean, I'm not kidding.

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I can, but when you've got that heavy load

of something going on and you're spinning

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in it and you can't think through it.

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So I've got coming up a course

that I'm going to put online.

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I'm going to put it real

reasonable so that for those.

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Gals who can't work one on one with

me, I'm going to do everything I can

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to help them so that they can get in

that mindset where they're using their

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right part of their brain, get a hold of

those emotions and take, and it may not

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take that long, you know, take the time

you can go deeper, which I've learned

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with those core wounds, but it might

just help with some of those decisions.

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I love that so much because I

was grasping after my divorce.

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I was grasping for things.

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Literally, I feel like I was suffocating.

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And so I, I learned to meditate,

like, I was, I needed something

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to calm my mind because I feel

like I had that monkey mind.

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If you know that term, like

you just can that, like, it's

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just like all in your head.

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Right.

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And you can't get away from it.

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Um, and I knew just from, um, I had,

Dabbled in a lot of things like that

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before and felt like there was something

else that Um could help me because I was

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struggling with my health and a lot of

hormonal issues and stuff as well Right

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and sometimes that on top of a divorce

is just Recipe for disaster, right?

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Like you're struggling with your own

health and then you have something

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that's super stressful like a divorce.

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So I learned to meditate.

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I actually brought in a

meditation teacher, somebody

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that could teach me to meditate.

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I didn't really know, you know, I

was like, is this something you like?

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Cause everybody's like, Oh,

here's an app or whatever.

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I wanted somebody to really, Teach me

and I learned how to do transcendental

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meditation, which is that's a pretty

heavy meditation practice where you have

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to do it like twice a day and stuff.

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But I was like, I don't care

because what else am I doing?

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But sitting with my own crazy, right?

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And so and then I also, you know, try

to really come out of my comfort zone

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a lot and did, um, Yoga, which I had

never learned how to do yoga before.

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I never stepped foot in a yoga studio.

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It felt very, you know,

trendy and whatever.

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But I was doing, I was doing, you

know, for, for exercise and stuff.

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I was doing like high.

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impact stuff that was really not good for

me and my life at that particular time.

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Like it's okay, you could do high impact

and things when you're everything's

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cool in your life because it's

raising your cortisol levels, right?

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Right.

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And, um, but when you're under emotional

stress, That you can't get away from

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it is very detrimental to try to do

to create more chaos for yourself by

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doing high impact Aerobics or you know,

I was doing I think they're across the

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country but like orange theory, which

is yeah You know like you're competing

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and you're Well, and you know Tammy

I think what you're saying speaks.

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I need to do another podcast on

it Divorce and menopause, because

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that was my number one view on

YouTube was one that I did on that.

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But I think when you're going

through menopause, you need, I mean,

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I have someone coming on to talk

about bone density and everything.

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You do need a little impact.

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You do need a little cardio,

um, for your heart, but really

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what we need is weightlifting.

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Yeah.

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By golly, do you want to know what I

learned is it doesn't, I turn on like a.

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old cowboy show and go down and lift

slowly and actually kind of enjoy it.

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Yeah.

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And I'm not killing myself.

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And I tie in the old cowboy show.

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I watch heartland.

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I mean, it's embarrassing.

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It's like this.

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It's like you're a heartland girl.

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And, uh, Dallas, you know, I just

love to see the horses, but what

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I found is that has been so much

healthier for my, for me, for my bones.

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So.

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I love a little cardio, but right.

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What you're saying.

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And that's the same Tammy, when you're

going through something really hard,

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especially when you're menopausal or

peri menopausal, that cortisol might be

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up, you do need to take heed of that.

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And even like I used to do fasting.

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I was so into it.

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I followed Dr.

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Mirabella and I was like, okay,

I'm going to do a 70 minute fast.

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And I'm like, um, you

want to know what, Tammy?

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That doesn't work for this gal.

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I actually gained weight.

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And so now when I simply stopped eating

around 6 30, started eating at about

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10 30, I dropped a bunch of weight and

I'm like, well, that was fricking easy.

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You struggle to try to follow, you

know, everything that all these people,

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all these gurus and stuff are saying,

you're trying to, you're grasping

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for straws, white knuckling it.

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I just white knuckling everything.

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Um, and I've done the fasting

thing too and all that.

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But when I, when I calmed myself, And

I did the weightlifting thing too.

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That was a game changer for me from

going from that high impact crazy.

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Like I got to go five days a week.

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Can't miss blah, blah,

blah, getting up at 5 a.

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m.

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To do it.

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And so I could get it.

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Not getting your sleep

and rest and play, right.

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Right.

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And, um, Then you can start

thinking clearer too, right?

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You, it creates some clarity for you

because that's really what you need

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is order to kind of move yourself

forward and not so much chaos.

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I felt that I was really making

really bad choices and decisions.

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And when I calmed myself down and

started, doing some of the meditations.

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Now, I, I was not the best meditator.

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Like I try, you know, I tried to do

and the transcendental meditation is

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twice a day for 20 minutes every time.

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Like I couldn't do that.

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Like I was single mom now and whatever,

but I did incorporate it into my

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schedule and still do this day.

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You know, I built some other tools and,

um, then the yoga and then the weights

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and just like some health and wellness.

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Whatever's best for you.

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Right.

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It doesn't, you don't have to

follow anybody or do anything, just

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understand that you're going through

a lot, but health and wellness and

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get, even getting outside and walking

was a game changer for me, right?

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These are all things I'm, you know,

that I am incorporating into my life.

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It's the play, it's the

exercise, it's the rest.

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That's the piece I'm missing.

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And I want to talk to you more about me.

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I'm really interested to talk to

you about that because I have a

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wild mind that doesn't shut up.

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And so I'm going to talk to you about

that, but I have to ask you, and

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if you're not comfortable talking

about this, but would you mind

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kind of telling your divorce story?

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Like what led to, I mean, I

know it's kind of personal, but

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I like don't even really know.

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And these are the things.

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Things that can help women.

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And that's why I love you because you

are working in the world because you

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were, went through something hard and

now you're doing something about it.

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And I love that.

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So would you mind just

kind of sharing that?

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Not at all.

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Not at all.

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I, I felt like I, I've thought

about this a lot and, um, I.

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To make a long story kind of shorter

for your audience because they'll

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get super bored, but I moved across

the country when I was in my late 20s

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and I met my ex husband right away,

pretty much, and I was pretty scared

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and, you know, um, displaced, right?

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Um, I moved from Albuquerque,

New Mexico to Chicago.

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And so I, and I met him pretty

quickly and got kind of in a

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heavy relationship right away.

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And, you know, I just, he

was very gregarious, very

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kind and had a good family.

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And, um, Really, um,

felt established to me.

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And so we got married, right?

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We got, we lived together and then

got married and then had two Children.

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And, um, I really wasn't.

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I have a lot of things in my past and

a lot of things in my history that

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I needed to address that I wasn't.

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Wasn't addressing it.

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I was, I was running from a lot of things.

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And so I brought that right

into the marriage, right,

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right into my relationship.

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And then, you know, he

has stuff too, right?

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We came together like two broken

people trying to make one person whole.

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I think a lot of us do that, right?

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And young don't ask any questions,

not any questions about finances.

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Don't ask any questions about religion.

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Don't ask anything about how would you,

how do you think about raising children

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and what are your most important?

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No questions at all asked.

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And so that brings me,

I got to jump in here.

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That's one other thing that I want to

include in my business at some point.

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Is something that helps people

before they get married.

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Like something that, cause you know what?

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It's a big deal.

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You think yes, if you go into business

with someone, but when you get married.

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You don't know.

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Well, it is like a business.

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What I try to tell people now too is,

you know, a society makes marriage

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out to be like this romantic thing,

this gesture of, you know, your

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commitment and your love for each other.

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And it is right.

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But you're also bringing in a third person

and that's the state that you live in.

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And that state is combining You know,

you're basically forming a business.

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And I remember somebody telling me, like,

when you get married, you're marrying

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not only them, but their family and their

belief system and their this and that.

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And I was like, whatever.

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But it's so true to make sure that

you're in alignment because you are.

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That marriage license is

binding you to that person.

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And I have so many people that come

to me and start talking about their,

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this and my VAD and, you know, um,

you know, their retirement account.

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Um, it's my house and I've been

making the payments and they're

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doing nothing and they're sitting

on the couch and blah, blah, blah.

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Guess what?

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That's what you signed up for.

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Oh, you're so right.

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You're, you're, you're bringing in

another entity that's the state and

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their state has guidelines and laws

that you, you know, when you try to

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unravel it, you understand that more

clearly, but, um, making sure that

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when you do sign, um, that marriage

certificate, you know, that you are

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very clear what you're signing up for.

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And, um, it's like, it's difficult

if you're not in alignment on some

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major things like raising children

or spending money or whatever.

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So, you know, and that, and

that was my story really.

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And I wanted to get back to your story.

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I'm so glad that I interrupted it.

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No, it really was my story.

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story of realizing that this

person and still to this day,

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I had a very amicable divorce.

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We went through mediation,

completely a huge believer in it.

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At some point in time, we lost

track of each other, right?

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We had two children.

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That's all we really

discussed with children.

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We weren't in alignment with them.

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we weren't in alignment with a

lot of just fundamental things.

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And I felt like we were two ships

passing in the night and we were not

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good, not a good married couple, right?

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There was nothing where we have

respect for each other and we're very

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good co parents, but there's not.

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And it did at times did get ugly.

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Right?

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Because we're scared and we're

making, um, accusations and calling

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each other things that nobody should

disrespect another human like that.

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And when that stuff started

happening, I realized I don't

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want to live like this anymore.

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And yes, I do.

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I, my kids were eight and 10.

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When I got divorced, we went through

mediation and he, He kind of shut

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down and didn't really fight the

fact that we were getting a divorce.

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They think he kind of knew too, because

we had lived a long time at this, by this

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point in very much not on the same page

and, and struggling and arguing and not

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being, um, respectful of one another.

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And then when that happened and I

was like, I can't live like this.

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I, um, You know, we figured it

out and went through mediation

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and were very respectful.

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: 00:18:54

I was the least respectful.

309

: 00:18:58

I am a redhead hard to believe.

310

: 00:19:02

I am a redhead and I had a temper,

a very, you know, temper that's

311

: 00:19:07

gotten me in trouble in my life.

312

: 00:19:09

And so I thought that if you went

through a divorce, you had to be nasty.

313

: 00:19:15

Like, I just thought that that's

the way you're supposed to be.

314

: 00:19:17

You have to fight and, you

know, try to win and whatever.

315

: 00:19:21

And one session, and I tell this

story often, this is not news.

316

: 00:19:28

Um, one mediation session after a very

difficult session about money, right?

317

: 00:19:34

Um, In our finances and I was like,

well, it needs to be this way and

318

: 00:19:39

then a little line and I did control

the finances in my, in my marriage

319

: 00:19:44

because I have a financial background.

320

: 00:19:45

I'm a mortgage lender.

321

: 00:19:47

I understand that stuff.

322

: 00:19:49

Um, he, uh, he.

323

: 00:19:52

Took me outside, looked me straight in

the eye and said, look, we have two boys

324

: 00:19:58

together that we both love very much.

325

: 00:20:01

What do we want our new life?

326

: 00:20:04

We're already here.

327

: 00:20:06

What do we want our new life to look?

328

: 00:20:09

And I'm going to get emotional

because it was a very pivotal moment.

329

: 00:20:14

What do we want our future to

look like with our children?

330

: 00:20:19

Right.

331

: 00:20:20

And it shook me.

332

: 00:20:22

It shook me pretty, pretty hardcore.

333

: 00:20:26

And he, you know, I have very

limited family and stuff too.

334

: 00:20:30

And he was like family

and still is like family.

335

: 00:20:33

And because I had that moment, a shift

in me that was like, yeah, we, we

336

: 00:20:40

just need to get through this legal

stuff and figure out how we can both

337

: 00:20:45

come out of this and onto the road to

recovery and focus on our children.

338

: 00:20:51

And I'm still parenting

is going to look like.

339

: 00:20:56

Yeah, I'm so thankful that you

were able to see that and switch

340

: 00:21:02

gears because That's magic.

341

: 00:21:05

And most of the people that come

to me to do, uh, divorce mediation

342

: 00:21:12

have, you know, they want to

do what's best for their kids.

343

: 00:21:16

I found that I, I don't do, uh, I don't

do a lot of other mediations like post

344

: 00:21:21

divorce or if they're divorcing because

you, Tammy, it is so difficult to get

345

: 00:21:29

people to have that aha that you had.

346

: 00:21:32

Holy cow, we do have to do

what's best for our kids too.

347

: 00:21:36

And I, I do everything I can.

348

: 00:21:38

I say, do you have a picture of your kids?

349

: 00:21:40

I keep trying to talk about

their kids, but they have so

350

: 00:21:42

much hate towards each other.

351

: 00:21:45

So that's one thing.

352

: 00:21:47

If that's one thing you can pick

up from this episode, it's that.

353

: 00:21:51

Yeah.

354

: 00:21:52

Focus on your kids and your future.

355

: 00:21:55

Focus on your future too.

356

: 00:21:57

It's not what's happening today.

357

: 00:21:59

You, we had ugly feelings and emotion

and we, you know, you want to be,

358

: 00:22:04

you don't want to use things to get

back at people at the end of the day.

359

: 00:22:08

It is going to be what it is because

there's the law there that creates

360

: 00:22:12

an equitable distribution of things.

361

: 00:22:16

So it's not like you're gonna

get a leg up or do something.

362

: 00:22:19

I think it's so funny when people

think that they can now, you know,

363

: 00:22:23

I don't know about all states.

364

: 00:22:24

Um, I'm in Illinois and it's a no fault

state and we can do things that, you know,

365

: 00:22:30

are an equitable distribution of assets

and parenting and all that kind of stuff.

366

: 00:22:35

So, but, um, When that happened

and we figured that out, I mean,

367

: 00:22:41

we, first of all, we got out of

our divorce very economically.

368

: 00:22:47

Right.

369

: 00:22:49

Very economically.

370

: 00:22:50

I hear I have people come to me that

have hundreds of thousands of dollars

371

: 00:22:57

of legal fees post divorce that have

to pay them off through equity in their

372

: 00:23:02

homes or do something that's tragic

because you're taking out of the mouths

373

: 00:23:10

of your Children and their futures.

374

: 00:23:13

Yep.

375

: 00:23:13

And, and that's why I do.

376

: 00:23:15

I love mediation.

377

: 00:23:16

And here's the, here's the deal.

378

: 00:23:17

So I don't act as an attorney anymore.

379

: 00:23:20

You know, I act, I, I am an attorney,

but I give legal information, but

380

: 00:23:24

there are, I mean, there are times

when somebody needs an attorney.

381

: 00:23:29

And you need someone who's, I mean,

there are assholes out there that

382

: 00:23:33

you need someone to fight for you.

383

: 00:23:35

And unfortunately it will be

expensive, but if you have the

384

: 00:23:39

opportunity to work together, I think

it's so the best option out there.

385

: 00:23:44

So now I have to ask you a question.

386

: 00:23:45

So you're kind of, you're talking

about, so you had a kid eight and 10.

387

: 00:23:49

That's huge.

388

: 00:23:49

You're in this, you're out.

389

: 00:23:51

of your home state, you know, you're

probably getting acclimated because

390

: 00:23:55

your kids and you get involved in stuff.

391

: 00:23:57

Yeah.

392

: 00:23:57

Yeah.

393

: 00:23:58

Did you grapple with that decision

for years and years and years?

394

: 00:24:01

Or did you go, yeah, see,

that's what people do too.

395

: 00:24:04

It was years.

396

: 00:24:05

I mean, I think, um, I think this

is kind of what women do in general.

397

: 00:24:10

It's not nothing.

398

: 00:24:11

You don't, you don't take this lightly.

399

: 00:24:13

And we even had conversations, him and

I about, we knew kind of where we were,

400

: 00:24:20

but we, didn't seek counseling to try to

communicate better or figure things out.

401

: 00:24:29

I think we were fundamentally very

different people and still are.

402

: 00:24:33

And, um, so we realized

kind of it was the end.

403

: 00:24:38

And, um, I had thought

about it for years, right?

404

: 00:24:44

And he thought about it the

moment I said, I want a divorce.

405

: 00:24:50

And so I truly believe that that

is very common that women try to

406

: 00:24:58

figure out all these different things

and options and ways around it.

407

: 00:25:02

And maybe if I get them to do this,

or maybe if I do that, or maybe if,

408

: 00:25:06

you know, if I fix this or whatever,

and then the men are pretty content.

409

: 00:25:13

Right?

410

: 00:25:13

For the most part, like, they don't,

they don't analyze things, I, and this

411

: 00:25:18

is a total generalization, completely

generalization, but I feel like it's not

412

: 00:25:24

analyzed until the moment it happens and

the word is, is used, the divorce word

413

: 00:25:29

is used, then that's when they start

processing their grief and their emotion.

414

: 00:25:35

Yep.

415

: 00:25:35

Um, so when people are processing

this, by the time that happened for

416

: 00:25:40

me, I was like pretty neutral, right?

417

: 00:25:43

I had, I'd gone through sadness

and fear and you know, all

418

: 00:25:48

the stages of grief, right?

419

: 00:25:50

Um, you go through and then

they're just starting it.

420

: 00:25:54

And so you're talking about one person

that's processed a lot and another

421

: 00:25:57

person's that not hasn't processed

anything and you want them to come

422

: 00:26:01

together and make good decisions.

423

: 00:26:02

That is hard.

424

: 00:26:06

And there are a lot of people

that come to me for consults.

425

: 00:26:10

It's very rare that, that a

couple's on the same page, right?

426

: 00:26:14

You know, generally it's,

it's like what you just said.

427

: 00:26:17

And so to have a little bit of patience

that this is new for one person, even

428

: 00:26:22

though you've had all this time to

think through it, I think that's another

429

: 00:26:26

really important point that you made.

430

: 00:26:28

Yeah.

431

: 00:26:29

Yeah.

432

: 00:26:29

Yeah.

433

: 00:26:29

Right, right.

434

: 00:26:30

Um, I have to ask too, so how

old were you when this happened?

435

: 00:26:33

Because I generally, I was say I like

to help people like 40 and beyond.

436

: 00:26:38

Oh yeah.

437

: 00:26:39

I was what?

438

: 00:26:39

I was 46.

439

: 00:26:42

Oh yes.

440

: 00:26:42

So you've been married a long time.

441

: 00:26:44

That had to be scary.

442

: 00:26:45

Yeah.

443

: 00:26:46

Yeah, it was very scary.

444

: 00:26:48

And I, um, so I'm, you know,

a mortgage lender and my

445

: 00:26:52

income is straight commission.

446

: 00:26:55

And I had a situation where the

company that I worked for post divorce

447

: 00:27:00

got acquired and I got laid off.

448

: 00:27:05

So, um, you know, through

through right after that.

449

: 00:27:10

And I had figured out that my

marital home was too much for me.

450

: 00:27:14

I know I've told this story and I

think I've told it on your podcast

451

: 00:27:18

that, and this is the reason this

was the pivotal moment that I

452

: 00:27:22

decided this is really a thing.

453

: 00:27:25

Like this is really like a thing

that people don't get this guidance.

454

: 00:27:30

So my marital home, I was adamant I was

going to stay in the house and blah,

455

: 00:27:34

blah, blah, which so many women do, right?

456

: 00:27:37

You, you go live in the apartment.

457

: 00:27:38

I'm going to live in the house.

458

: 00:27:40

And it was a big marital home.

459

: 00:27:43

We had a dual income, right?

460

: 00:27:46

And it was too much house.

461

: 00:27:50

The mortgage payment alone was to,

you know, more than I should have

462

: 00:27:55

taken on, not to mention all the

maintenance that that house took.

463

: 00:28:00

I was in a, you know, uh, they call it,

we called it a McMansion at the time,

464

: 00:28:04

you know, like, you know, dual income,

you got the new house, you're the

465

: 00:28:09

neighbor, you know, in that neighborhood

of people where your, your kids are

466

: 00:28:13

all, you know, doing the same thing.

467

: 00:28:15

You're trying to keep up with

the Joneses and whatever.

468

: 00:28:18

And it was too much house for me.

469

: 00:28:21

It was all the, I live in Illinois.

470

: 00:28:23

So, you know, spring cleanup,

fall cleanup, changing out the

471

: 00:28:27

furnaces, doing all this stuff.

472

: 00:28:29

All that stuff costs money, especially if

you can't get up there and do it yourself.

473

: 00:28:34

You can't clean out your

gutters yourself, you know.

474

: 00:28:37

I started like writing all

these checks for all this stuff.

475

: 00:28:42

And so then I decided that I was going

to downsize, um, and sell the house.

476

: 00:28:48

And I had made some really poor

decisions and planning all of that

477

: 00:28:52

and thinking that everything was fine.

478

: 00:28:54

Not, obviously you cannot control

whether or not you're going to keep

479

: 00:28:58

your job, but also being under, you

know, having a large mortgage and

480

: 00:29:04

all that stuff wasn't helping me.

481

: 00:29:08

being able to, um, uh, I guess, uh,

kind of level out myself and be okay

482

: 00:29:17

through a job transition, right?

483

: 00:29:19

Cause I had a big, I

had a big net to cover.

484

: 00:29:23

So, um, it wasn't a good time at

all for me and I ended up downsizing

485

: 00:29:29

significantly and kind of talking

myself into the fact that that was okay.

486

: 00:29:34

But in that transition, that's when

I realized I was Starting so I was

487

: 00:29:39

originating loans and people were

coming to me with these settlement

488

: 00:29:42

agreements that they put together with

an attorney without any other counsel.

489

: 00:29:49

Right.

490

: 00:29:50

Their attorney was like, okay, wife's

going to keep the house and she's

491

: 00:29:54

going to refinance within 90 days.

492

: 00:29:57

And at that point in time,

she's going to pay out this

493

: 00:29:59

amount of equity to the spouse.

494

: 00:30:01

And he will in turn, quit claim

off the deed and blah, blah, blah.

495

: 00:30:06

All this stuff is written in these

legalese and a settlement agreement.

496

: 00:30:10

And then they were coming to

me and like, I don't need to

497

: 00:30:12

refinance and blah, blah, blah.

498

: 00:30:13

And I was like, okay, great.

499

: 00:30:14

And I start reading through

the settlement agreement.

500

: 00:30:16

This is what lenders do.

501

: 00:30:18

Right?

502

: 00:30:19

We have to follow what you've

agreed to in your agreement.

503

: 00:30:24

We can't just be like, Oh

yeah, you don't qualify for

504

: 00:30:26

this, but you qualify for this.

505

: 00:30:27

So we'll just do it this other way.

506

: 00:30:30

No, we have to follow what's aligned

to your settlement agreement.

507

: 00:30:34

But if you've never talked to

anybody about whether or not you

508

: 00:30:38

can carry that out, guess what?

509

: 00:30:41

You get denied for the loan, and

it's not fun to do that to somebody.

510

: 00:30:48

And then they cry.

511

: 00:30:49

And then the other option that was written

in their settlement agreement is they have

512

: 00:30:53

to refinance within 90 days or they sell.

513

: 00:30:58

Right.

514

: 00:30:58

And, and, and so now you're

saying you're telling somebody

515

: 00:31:02

you don't qualify for the loan.

516

: 00:31:03

You have to sell, you have to sell your

house that you were not prepared to sell.

517

: 00:31:08

Right.

518

: 00:31:09

And that's why all my clients

come to you on the front end.

519

: 00:31:13

Yeah.

520

: 00:31:14

You know, chat about, can I assume this?

521

: 00:31:18

Can I, can I assume, can I refinance?

522

: 00:31:21

Can I, there's everything that you have

to do when it comes to real estate.

523

: 00:31:28

requires is the word, um, some

type of qualification, right?

524

: 00:31:33

Some type of timeline that needs to

be met, some type of qualification.

525

: 00:31:38

You are, you know, really have to

understand what does that look like

526

: 00:31:42

so I can look at all these different

options and make a better informed

527

: 00:31:47

decision so that when it is written

in the settlement agreement, I'm very

528

: 00:31:52

clear on what I need to do, what my next

steps are, and then I can carry it out.

529

: 00:31:58

And that it's going to be okay

for me and my financial future.

530

: 00:32:02

Yep.

531

: 00:32:02

And I think, um, my clients that

I have, if they have children,

532

: 00:32:07

that's the number one concern.

533

: 00:32:09

So we kind of take care of being those

kiddos, but the house is right up there.

534

: 00:32:13

I mean, because it kind

of relates to the kids.

535

: 00:32:15

It's such an important piece that if you

are going to be going through a divorce,

536

: 00:32:20

whether you're hiring attorneys, you're

doing it collaboratively, however you're

537

: 00:32:24

doing it, Make sure that you educate

yourself and get the information and

538

: 00:32:29

know how this is actually going to work.

539

: 00:32:32

And I know it's hard.

540

: 00:32:33

That's why you need a team.

541

: 00:32:34

That's why you need someone to

help you get your mind right so

542

: 00:32:37

that you can make the decision.

543

: 00:32:39

I was going to ask you, and we're going

to talk more about real estate in a

544

: 00:32:42

second, but I was going to ask you,

when did you start that piece where

545

: 00:32:46

you hired someone to help you meditate?

546

: 00:32:48

What time is so yeah, I soon as I,

you know, was at the very beginning

547

: 00:32:53

of the divorce process I realized

I was a kind of a mess and I really

548

: 00:32:59

needed like I couldn't sleep.

549

: 00:33:02

I was having a hard time

functioning at a lot of brain fog.

550

: 00:33:06

Um, I was very, you know,

I'm pretty high functional.

551

: 00:33:12

you know, and I can handle a lot, even

through a lot of stress and stuff.

552

: 00:33:17

I mean, I'm in the mortgage business.

553

: 00:33:18

We did have a, you know, financial

crisis and meltdown and stuff like that,

554

: 00:33:23

you know, but, um, this really got me.

555

: 00:33:26

So, um, I did start pretty much right

after, um, through the divorce process.

556

: 00:33:32

And I brought in, A meditation

teacher that I still keep in contact.

557

: 00:33:36

She's amazing.

558

: 00:33:37

And, um, she kept me on track and

I just focused on that practice.

559

: 00:33:45

It is a practice just like

they call yoga practice, right?

560

: 00:33:48

It's something you learn

to do because you're quick.

561

: 00:33:51

Quieting your mind.

562

: 00:33:53

You're not trying to get

rid of all your thoughts.

563

: 00:33:56

You're trying to reprogram your

unconscious mind, which controls

564

: 00:34:02

what we do every single day.

565

: 00:34:04

Regardless, if we think we're controlling

it by the front of our mind, we are not.

566

: 00:34:11

Amen, sister.

567

: 00:34:12

And I am going to need to get that.

568

: 00:34:14

The name of that person when we're

off air, because that is Yeah.

569

: 00:34:18

For another podcast talk to talk

about that because, um, another

570

: 00:34:22

she would to do that with you.

571

: 00:34:23

Yeah.

572

: 00:34:23

Yeah.

573

: 00:34:24

Another piece of what I do is

the rewiring of, of my brain.

574

: 00:34:28

Mm-hmm . And I know that is

something I have to do and I've

575

: 00:34:31

done some core wounds, work with

JJ Zas and, you know, discovering

576

: 00:34:37

what is really going on in there.

577

: 00:34:39

And sometimes you don't even know.

578

: 00:34:41

What your old beliefs are.

579

: 00:34:44

Um, so listeners, I promise this

is getting longer than I normally

580

: 00:34:48

am and that's okay, but I will go

into, to in a little more in depth

581

: 00:34:53

into the meditation in another one,

but I have one question for you.

582

: 00:34:57

Yeah.

583

: 00:34:58

How do you, what, give us like one or

two tips on how you quiet your mind.

584

: 00:35:03

Okay.

585

: 00:35:04

So I do a lot.

586

: 00:35:06

So sometimes, you know, if you're

really super anxious and I teach

587

: 00:35:09

this to my kids too, I do breathing.

588

: 00:35:13

Like if you, you can reset your anxiety.

589

: 00:35:16

If you still start feeling anxious and

you'll know where you feel anxious.

590

: 00:35:20

Sometimes people feel anxious in their

heart and their stomach and their,

591

: 00:35:23

you know, shoulders, they start, you

can quiet your mind and do a breathing

592

: 00:35:28

exercise where you breathe in through

your nose and out through your mouth.

593

: 00:35:32

Um, and you hold it, right?

594

: 00:35:34

And it'll reset your anxiety and

then you'll be, so take yourself

595

: 00:35:39

out of whatever situation you're in.

596

: 00:35:41

If you're in the middle of a

mediation session, you can excuse

597

: 00:35:46

yourself and sometimes I stop it.

598

: 00:35:49

Yeah.

599

: 00:35:50

Sometimes I stop it.

600

: 00:35:51

Okay.

601

: 00:35:51

So that's kind of a

way to quiet your mind.

602

: 00:35:53

That's good to know.

603

: 00:35:54

So I have some of those tools.

604

: 00:35:56

Um, the breathing.

605

: 00:35:58

Okay.

606

: 00:35:58

Is there anything else?

607

: 00:36:00

So, and, and, and I always feel like

you, every situation, if somebody's

608

: 00:36:06

causing me anxiety or coming at me

verbally or something like that, that's

609

: 00:36:12

causing me is silence is an answer.

610

: 00:36:16

Okay.

611

: 00:36:16

Yeah.

612

: 00:36:16

I love, I love.

613

: 00:36:18

Yeah.

614

: 00:36:19

You don't have to answer.

615

: 00:36:21

You don't have to explain.

616

: 00:36:23

You don't have to answer if

it's causing you distress.

617

: 00:36:27

If somebody is coming and you feel like

you have to, and then it just creates

618

: 00:36:31

more and more and more and more chaos

is walk away and give yourself space.

619

: 00:36:37

I've been, I've been noticing too that

I just become watchful and it gives

620

: 00:36:42

me a little empathy and I kind of

think what's going on in their head.

621

: 00:36:46

That is interesting.

622

: 00:36:47

Okay.

623

: 00:36:48

So here's my last question

about this meditation stuff.

624

: 00:36:51

So when you go to sit down to do

one of your 20 minute sessions

625

: 00:36:55

or lay down or whatever you do,

what's the first thing you do?

626

: 00:36:58

Do you do the breath work to start?

627

: 00:37:02

Just make sure that I'm

comfortable and a comforter.

628

: 00:37:05

I have an actual spot that I go to

that I've created in my house, right?

629

: 00:37:10

Of somewhere that I'm comfortable where

I sit up and I'm comfortable, warm, like

630

: 00:37:15

make sure that you're, you know, in a

comfortable setting, dark, if you prefer.

631

: 00:37:19

I like.

632

: 00:37:20

Darkness and you know, close your mind

and allow yourself and sometimes I mean,

633

: 00:37:25

there's the apps and stuff that you can

use that you can follow, um, to start.

634

: 00:37:30

And if you can only do it for five

minutes, do it for five minutes.

635

: 00:37:34

If you can only do it for two minutes,

do it for two minutes, but slowly you'll

636

: 00:37:38

start training because your body wants to.

637

: 00:37:40

To get up and be like, this is ridiculous.

638

: 00:37:42

This is not doing anything.

639

: 00:37:44

This is stupid.

640

: 00:37:44

Like, why am I doing that?

641

: 00:37:47

But over time, then you're able to

sit longer and you're able to, and

642

: 00:37:52

you just let your, you just let your

thoughts go through and then you just

643

: 00:37:56

come back to, Oh yeah, I'm meditating.

644

: 00:37:57

Okay.

645

: 00:37:58

And I don't get mad at yourself and

go, why am I thinking right now?

646

: 00:38:03

Let it go.

647

: 00:38:03

No, just be curious about it.

648

: 00:38:07

I'm like, Oh, that's

an interesting thought.

649

: 00:38:09

Oh, okay.

650

: 00:38:10

You might start thinking about

the grocery list or cleaning the

651

: 00:38:14

house or doing, you know, what

you got to do later or whatever.

652

: 00:38:17

And then you'll be like,

Oh yeah, I'm meditating.

653

: 00:38:19

Come right back to it.

654

: 00:38:21

Okay.

655

: 00:38:21

I love that.

656

: 00:38:22

That's super helpful.

657

: 00:38:23

Okay.

658

: 00:38:24

Now we're going to wrap this all up

with, I want a quick little update on

659

: 00:38:28

what's going on in the real estate world.

660

: 00:38:32

And I know, I don't know even where

interest rates are now, but I know

661

: 00:38:36

I still have clients that want to

be able to assume a mortgage if

662

: 00:38:39

they can, and you can't always.

663

: 00:38:42

Um, and so it's real important to

make sure you're clear on if you can.

664

: 00:38:47

before you go through the divorce.

665

: 00:38:49

Don't get divorced and

then try to figure it out.

666

: 00:38:51

Um, but, but tell me in a nutshell,

your elevator pitch, whatever

667

: 00:38:57

it is, what's going on, what are

people concerned about right now?

668

: 00:39:01

Well, there's still a

shortage of inventory, right?

669

: 00:39:05

So it's hard for people

to think about selling.

670

: 00:39:07

I'm selling and buying because there's

nothing to buy across the country.

671

: 00:39:10

I think it's kind of funny because I

do land across the country and I do

672

: 00:39:15

have clients from all over the country

and everybody always tells me, I don't

673

: 00:39:19

know what it's like where you are.

674

: 00:39:20

Well, it's the same.

675

: 00:39:23

So it's the same no matter

where you are in our country.

676

: 00:39:26

Um, you know, some places are

more expensive than others.

677

: 00:39:30

And some places, um, have a little

bit more inventory than others.

678

: 00:39:35

But on average, the inventory is very

limited and rates are pretty stable.

679

: 00:39:39

I mean, they're probably in

the Low sevens right now.

680

: 00:39:43

So if you have a 3 percent interest

rate, it's going to feel like a lot.

681

: 00:39:47

But making sure that you understand

that because rates over the history

682

: 00:39:52

of time, you know, have been

in the double digits at times.

683

: 00:39:56

And, um, so if this is something

that you need to do, making sure

684

: 00:40:02

that you understand what it looks

like, even with the interest rate.

685

: 00:40:06

Right.

686

: 00:40:08

Looking at it from a financial perspective

isn't just looking at an interest rate.

687

: 00:40:15

It's looking at the complete picture

of what you're signing up for.

688

: 00:40:18

And a lot of times people have a

large amount of inventory these days.

689

: 00:40:23

You know, uh, appreciation on

homes was pretty significant

690

: 00:40:27

over the last couple of years.

691

: 00:40:28

For years, right?

692

: 00:40:29

Since the, since COVID.

693

: 00:40:32

And so a lot of people have a

significant amount of equity.

694

: 00:40:36

And if you are trying to assume

your mortgage, all you're doing

695

: 00:40:39

is keeping those current terms.

696

: 00:40:41

What about the equity?

697

: 00:40:43

What are you going to do with that?

698

: 00:40:45

Um, so you really have to be clear on

what you're signing up for and um, not

699

: 00:40:52

so much the interest rate itself, but

what your post divorce budget and housing

700

: 00:40:59

budget, because if you don't have this

house or if you have another house or if

701

: 00:41:03

you need to rent, the other thing that's

a struggle for people is rents are up.

702

: 00:41:08

I know that's what I'm finding.

703

: 00:41:11

It's so hard, Tammy, because.

704

: 00:41:14

For people to rent, they're going to end

up paying more than their mortgage and yet

705

: 00:41:19

neither one of them can afford to keep it.

706

: 00:41:22

It's, it's a struggle.

707

: 00:41:23

It's, it's a real struggle.

708

: 00:41:26

It's the struggle is definitely real.

709

: 00:41:28

And so you need to figure out a lot

of times I am working with couples.

710

: 00:41:33

I, you know, have several couples

that I work with to try to figure

711

: 00:41:36

out maybe it's not a 50 50 division.

712

: 00:41:41

in that because maybe somebody needs just

enough cash to go buy their own property.

713

: 00:41:48

And then this other person can

only afford so much to do a

714

: 00:41:52

buyout or something like that.

715

: 00:41:55

So coming up with solutions on

what works for both people is a

716

: 00:42:00

really good way to go about it.

717

: 00:42:03

And it might not be a dollar for dollar

exchange, but it might be a way to get it.

718

: 00:42:08

I mean, Everybody needs somewhere to live.

719

: 00:42:13

Yes.

720

: 00:42:13

And I, and what, how you're, what

you're saying right now also just makes

721

: 00:42:17

me go, that's why you love mediations

because you get to work with both

722

: 00:42:22

parties together and they, you come

up, they come up with great solutions.

723

: 00:42:26

And I've got people right now where

they're, they would, the guy, I mean,

724

: 00:42:30

it was like the, the guy was falling

apart crying and by the end he was like,

725

: 00:42:34

okay, I can do, I see what you're saying.

726

: 00:42:37

Like, well, you're, to

look at, okay, maybe.

727

: 00:42:40

Mom's going to get the home, but, but

dad's not going to get half of the equity.

728

: 00:42:45

He's going to get a portion so

he can go out and buy something.

729

: 00:42:48

And it's going to be.

730

: 00:42:50

Maybe in lieu of maintenance that she's

getting more so you can be so creative,

731

: 00:42:54

but I will say Educate educate people.

732

: 00:42:58

I know you don't feel like it But then

do something to feel better and i'll

733

: 00:43:01

get that course up so you can get your

mind in the right place So that you can

734

: 00:43:06

start looking at your future Investigate

what the laws are in your state.

735

: 00:43:12

You, you are smart

enough to figure it out.

736

: 00:43:14

It doesn't take a rocket scientist to look

at what the laws are for your divorce,

737

: 00:43:18

for maintenance, for how assets are split.

738

: 00:43:21

Get resources.

739

: 00:43:22

Like there's so many great podcasts

out there that can help you.

740

: 00:43:26

There's so many resources.

741

: 00:43:27

So get a team together, start

looking at it because it's going

742

: 00:43:30

to make the divorce go smoother,

no matter which way you do it.

743

: 00:43:33

If you can get a little educated.

744

: 00:43:35

So yeah, Yeah, such

great information, Lisa.

745

: 00:43:39

And I think people, you know,

I like to use the term, be

746

: 00:43:42

the CEO of your own divorce.

747

: 00:43:44

Don't just like put your head in the sand.

748

: 00:43:47

You need to be in control of

you and your financial future.

749

: 00:43:51

And there's, like you said, so many

resources now, um, that people can pull

750

: 00:43:57

from and, um, you know, uh, empower

themselves to make the best decisions.

751

: 00:44:03

Amen.

752

: 00:44:04

And you know what?

753

: 00:44:05

Like I just said before, if you need

a little help getting in that right

754

: 00:44:09

mindset so you can start to get even

a little, believe that there is, this

755

: 00:44:14

is going to be an opportunity for you.

756

: 00:44:16

It's okay that it's going to be hard

now, but you've got a bright future.

757

: 00:44:19

Anything that can help you is going

to get you there a little bit easier

758

: 00:44:24

and, and allow you to take action.

759

: 00:44:26

So yes.

760

: 00:44:29

Tammy, we went way over.

761

: 00:44:30

I knew we would.

762

: 00:44:31

I love you.

763

: 00:44:33

I'm so thankful for you.

764

: 00:44:34

Thank you so much for joining us.

765

: 00:44:37

You take good care.

766

: 00:44:39

Oh, and just so the listeners know,

we're going to have your information in

767

: 00:44:42

the show notes and anytime they connect

with me, I share your information.

768

: 00:44:47

So thank you so much for all you do.

769

: 00:44:50

All right.

770

: 00:44:50

You too.

771

: 00:44:50

You take good care.