Reignite the Spark: Laurie Gerber’s Guide to Revitalizing Love After 50

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Welcome listeners to Saddle Up Live.

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I'm so excited that I have

Lori Gerber here today.

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Lori is helping people over 50

find love and I'm so grateful to

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her that she's doing this work.

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And what I want you to know is

if you're, looking for love and

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trying to figure out how to date.

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Go to doing divorce different because

we have a podcast that talks about it.

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Lori's got a webinar about it coming out.

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all that information is going

to be in the show notes.

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She's a great coach.

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I'm going to have her just,

introduce herself quickly.

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I know she's been on

before, so we know her.

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she's a big deal.

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She's kind of my star.

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I get starstruck by her, I

just love chatting with her.

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And what I really am excited about.

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Laurie about, and I know I'm going

to probably be sitting here with my

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mouth hanging open as I listen to her.

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I want to learn how to date my husband.

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Both Laurie and I have been

married for well over 30 years.

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And I do feel like in my life.

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My children came first and then it's

so funny Lori because even when the

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baby by far So I had a big spread

in my kids when that baby took

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off to college I didn't jump into

the relationship with my husband.

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I jumped into work and he and that

was that hurt him Yeah You know, and

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so that's what we're going to talk

about, but before we do, just do a

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little introduction for our listeners.

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I'm Lori Gerber.

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I have been in the life coaching

field for over 20 years now.

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I got started here before it

was a thing and I actually came

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for coaching in my business.

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I had a different business back

then and my coach took one look at

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my marriage and she said, you know,

you're going to lose it, right?

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Like you're going to lose your marriage.

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If you don't fix this,

this is an emergency.

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And guess what?

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If you fix this, everything else

will cascade positively from there.

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So it is your foundation, your

relationship with your husband.

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If you want to save your marriage,

it's an emergency, get going.

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And the things she taught me in that

process of, I call it saving my marriage.

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I call it my near divorce

experience, are still with me.

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And I use those tools.

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Literally every day, including today.

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And I don't think I'll ever stop.

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I hope I don't because they're working.

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it's getting better and better.

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We are by no means perfect.

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And we certainly have had our rock

bottom moments, but I don't know

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how people do without these tools.

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I really don't know how people,

I know you've been very lucky.

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There are a few people out there who do

seem to be able to somehow hack it without

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the tools, but I certainly couldn't have.

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I certainly would be divorced

now if I hadn't had the tools

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that I learned in that process.

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And so that is what inspired

me to do this for a living.

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And I continue to work with singles

who are looking for love, as well

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as couples who are struggling to

either reconnect or optimize or avoid

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divorce or have an amicable divorce.

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Cause sometimes differences

are irreconcilable.

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Exactly, exactly.

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Well, we're so happy to have you here.

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And I, Am so excited to learn these

tools because like you said, I have

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been, I don't know if we call it

lucky or blessed or whatever it

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is, but I'm still in my marriage.

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And I, all that I can say is the one

thing, and then what I've learned

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about this through the coaching

that I've done too, like when you

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have a feeling, being aware of it

can oftentimes be a lot to save it.

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And so I guess I'm kind of

equating my marriage with that,

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where I became aware of, Holy.

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Heck, I am not giving my

husband any attention.

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I am not like, I'm not giving him, I'm

not loving him like, like I should be.

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And I think that awareness is helping.

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And isn't it silly how

simple that really is, right?

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Because you know,

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it has come to our attention that

children need attention, right?

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Like we, like we got the

memo, pay attention to your

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children, they'll thrive.

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Right.

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but somehow.

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There is no memo going around about

pay attention to your husband, right?

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Like pay attention to your husband.

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It sounds almost sexist, right?

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Like it almost sounds bad to your husband.

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But you'd say the same

thing to the husband.

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Pay attention to your wife.

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It works surprisingly well.

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Yes, yes, yes.

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I, yeah.

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And so I can't, I cannot wait

to jump in and hear these tools.

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Sorry.

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Yay.

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Where shall we begin?

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Let me just wrap up.

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So, so I'm thinking of like, say

you're someone, and I know this time

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of year, it's not so on the mind, but

when I think about my baby leaving

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for college, and this is a time

that people fall in love again and

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they have all this time together.

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And I was so wrapped up in.

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No, it's the time to get divorced.

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Actually.

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I know.

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Isn't that crazy?

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That's crazy because you're

like, okay, who am I?

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Who am I without being this mom?

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And my whole life was so devoted to that.

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I mean, all my free time, I didn't

have time to do a workout class or be

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with people that I like to be with.

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I had to be with the, not

that I didn't like them.

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I love the volleyball

parents or whatever it was.

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Those were my people because of the

situation I was in and so I think I

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had a little bit of a Right what's

happening because I had active kids I

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was in their lives I volunteered and

suddenly but I didn't look at hubby.

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I looked at career and Well, you're

pointing to the first choice someone

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has to make, which is to invest

in revitalizing your marriage.

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That is the, I can give lots of tools

and tips and advice, but if you have

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not made up your mind and your heart,

that this is something important to you.

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I mean, what ha it had to get

near divorce for me to do that.

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It sounds like it did not have to get

near divorce for you, but it had to

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get near divorce for me to go, Oh, like

if I could, I don't want to lose this.

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So I bet I only have one alternative,

which is to improve it vastly.

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So the first thing is to make that

choice that you're going to invest.

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Just like you make a choice.

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You're going to help out at your

church or you're going to babysit

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your grandkids, or you're gonna start

working out or start, learn a new thing.

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It is an area of life.

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It requires time and energy

and concentration and focus.

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And so you first have to make that

decision that you're going to care.

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And then I can start to tell you

where the most common, Issues are

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you'll be amazed couples really

argue about the same things.

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There's nothing new under the sun.

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Awesome.

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Okay.

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And can I ask, is it kind of the

same whether you're a man or a woman?

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No, men and women have

different complaints

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from what I've seen.

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All right.

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There's three areas that I think

we can address today in a short

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amount of time that people Sex.

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Yes.

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Communication and division of labor.

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Okay.

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Any of these ringing a bell?

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Yes, ma'am.

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Generally, it's the man complaining

about the sex or lack of sex.

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Or not complaining about it

externally, but certainly

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complaining about it internally.

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That can be a, there can be a

gender role reversal there, but,

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that's the trend that I've seen.

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women, most women as part of the courtship

did offer sex and sexuality and sensuality

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and romance and all those things.

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And many women take it off the

table over time and then blame

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their work and their kids for it.

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eat, watch TV, get occupied,

and other things instead.

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And it is a huge loss for the man.

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And if he's a kind and respecting man,

he may or may not complain about it.

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But most men are very unhappy

not to have a sex life.

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and then menopause, right,

makes it all the more.

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justified and all the more excuses

and all the more complications It

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becomes a downward cycle, in regards to

communication men complain that women

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complain too much And want too much

and are too needy, annoying, nagging,

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that ilk and women complain that men

do not talk about their feelings.

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Don't share where they're at.

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Don't, we don't know

what's going on with you.

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And also they don't listen well.

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I have to tell you, I've got to

jump in with something that I heard.

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I don't know if this is true or not, you

know, just like everything else in the

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world today, but I remember hearing, and

I think it was from one of my guests that

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When women talk, they relieve stress.

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When men talk, they get stressed.

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Buh bye!

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We're not the same!

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I don't know if that is universally true.

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I think that biologically, and certainly

evolutionarily, I think men are better

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equipped to silently hunt deer and

bring home food to feed the family,

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whereas women are safer if they're

talking because that scares away snakes,

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and that's how they relate to their

community, and when the men are out

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hunting, the women are the community.

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They have to jointly care for the

children, find the berries, Go do the

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best practices in terms of tending

the land and the children and talking

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is very advantageous for that role So

where so I do think that there are some

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potentially some evolutionary reasons why?

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Talking feels safer to women and

less safe to men if you talk on

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a deer hunt You'll scare away the

deer and your family will start.

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So anyway, uh, that's a that's

a an interesting and fun little

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um You know, dichotomy there.

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Uh, I certainly think most people

experience it in their day to

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day lives that it is, that we

have different needs, right?

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That in general, men and women,

husbands and wives have different needs.

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And the goal isn't to be the same.

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The goal is to see how many of

the other's needs we can meet.

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Well, it's not sacrificing our own needs.

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That's the goal.

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That's the big challenge.

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I'll just throw in the third

thing about division of labor.

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There's a couple issues that

come up with division of labor.

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One is that sometimes couples

make it to their fifties and still

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haven't talked about who should be

doing what, which is insane, right?

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I have my daters talk about it before

they even, you know, go steady, right?

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Like you should talk about who's

responsible for what, right?

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Oh, I wanted you to plan the date.

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I didn't know, right?

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Oh, I need to massage my

back before I have sex.

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I didn't know, you know,

like, oh, I need you.

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Like, it's your job to

put the toilet seat down.

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I didn't know, you know, like my

last lady didn't mind . So it, it's

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remarkable how much we take for granted

that someone should read our minds, or

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that these things should be obvious.

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If I cook, he should do the dishes, right?

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Like, right.

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I didn't know my mother did both, so

division of labor goes completely un.

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Explicit, like not discussed.

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And then sometimes, oftentimes what's

happening is people are doing things

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that are invisible to the other.

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So there is this great need for

appreciation for what I'm doing that is

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not getting handled, No, the man is doing

things, you know, maybe for the finances

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or for the car or for their, I mean, I

know that my husband does a lot of things.

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hours of work to ensure my financial

viability when he's dead, which

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hopefully will be in 40 or more years.

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He's doing that work and

it is invisible to me.

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And I'm doing the work of making,

you know, calling the kids and making

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sure they're good and sending them

little gifts and notes and texting.

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Like I'm doing all this stuff.

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It's invisible to him.

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He doesn't know.

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And I think I'm doing such a good job

as a wife and a mother and a partner.

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And he thinks he's doing such a good job.

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But The things we actually want,

we're not asking for, so everyone

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then ends up feeling unappreciative,

unappreciated, excuse me, unappreciated.

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So, those are the three things I

hear couples fighting about the most.

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So, those are the things that require

tools and systems to, you know,

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Augment.

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Okay.

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Let's talk about sex.

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Let's talk about sex.

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I don't, I don't.

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Oh, I wet in the face,

but tell me about it.

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My recommendation is you have it.

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The first thing that my coach said

to me that she did not even know

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me, she was like, you will be having

sex with your husband regularly.

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And I was like, why?

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Why?

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I don't like it.

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And she was like, you don't have

sex to, because you feel like it,

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you have sex to feel like it, right?

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Like get over yourself.

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You don't feel like going to the gym.

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You don't feel like eating healthy.

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You don't feel like calling,

doing your work today either.

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I understand.

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We don't go by what we feel

like we go by our dreams.

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We go by our goals.

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We go by what we know is important to us.

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That was such a mind bender for me.

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I can't tell you.

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Yeah.

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Yeah.

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And I think too, Putting the time in and

that, you know, that menopause thing,

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I mean, any kind of like breast cancer

or anything like that, that you go

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through, you do need to have things that

are going to help you put the time in

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to learn what it is so that it doesn't

feel like a thousand razor blades.

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And there are things, and I think that's

for another episode of my face is red

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because my dad listens to all my podcasts.

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I'm sorry.

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Okay.

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But yeah, absolutely to your point.

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if I'm speaking to you and you

are perimenopausal, menopausal,

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postmenopausal, your hormones are in flux,

you are in flux, your body is in flux.

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If you pick the right

guy and I hope you did.

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That's your best friend.

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You should be able to talk about that.

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You should be able to try

every lube under the sun.

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You should be able to say fast

or slow or hard or softer.

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You should be able to say,

this is how I like it by now.

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Here's a toy I want to

try, blah, blah, blah.

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Like the list goes on and on.

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But the bottom line is if you two

are a team being solution oriented

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is hot and healthy for both of you.

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So my first assignment

is sex is not negotiable.

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It's a date, it's date night, it's

once or twice a week minimum, because

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it lasts, the good feelings last.

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It's hard to argue with someone you feel

connected to, it keeps you connected.

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Generally it is more important for a man

than a woman, but that's a generalization.

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But what it will do for

your man, you have no idea.

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Like, my man is a different human.

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I can't even believe I withheld

sex for so long given what a better

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human he is when I don't, right?

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Like it's night and day, right?

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It's like giving a woman sleep.

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Like, oh, what's that?

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How about that?

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So I, and again, forgive

the generalizations, but

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I think if the shoe fits.

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Have sex.

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Have sex regularly.

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Don't make it a chip you can withdraw.

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Don't make it a thing you can

take away, or it's threatened.

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It's something you two

practice as a love practice.

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Sometimes it'll be good, sometimes it

won't be as good, but It's a class, right?

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Like you guys are in class and

class is over when you're dead.

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And it is your job to go to class, to show

up to class, learn new things, do your

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best, get an A in class participation.

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And that's what it means to be married.

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Otherwise your roommates.

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Right.

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Well, and I've got to say, Laurie,

so this is an interesting thing that

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I've learned is that if you want

to communicate more, your husband

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will love to communicate about sex.

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Start with that.

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What would you like more of?

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He'll be like, what you

wanna talk about dishes,

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. It's an incredible correlation.

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It really is.

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It really, really is.

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I mean, I don't know if I told you

this story, but when I was first trying

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to save my marriage, I uncovered the

fact that my husband was entirely

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distressed when I would interrupt him.

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Like entirely distressed, and I had

no idea, right, because I don't really

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mind that much being interrupted.

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Just different cultures, right,

different, different experiences.

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So, when I came to the brilliant

conclusion, and this segues nicely

321

: 00:16:11

into the communication, things

that work in communication, a.

322

: 00:16:14

k.

323

: 00:16:14

a.

324

: 00:16:15

just shut up and listen.

325

: 00:16:16

Um, when I realized I was committed

to that, because I believed in it,

326

: 00:16:21

spiritually and philosophically,

not because I was good at it, or.

327

: 00:16:25

Thought it was easy in any way.

328

: 00:16:27

I decided to create a

promise and a consequence.

329

: 00:16:31

So I promised not to interrupt and my

consequence was that I would owe him a

330

: 00:16:35

minute of a blow job for every time I did.

331

: 00:16:39

You didn't go, you didn't go that

far the last time on the first date.

332

: 00:16:45

Okay.

333

: 00:16:46

That was brilliant.

334

: 00:16:47

It was a brilliant design by my coach

because it did, it saved my marriage in

335

: 00:16:52

one fell swoop because it handled the

communication problem and then it also

336

: 00:16:57

handled my selfishness problem, which

is that I didn't want to give blowjobs.

337

: 00:17:01

It also handled my husband feeling

loved, broke my heart when he said,

338

: 00:17:04

you know what, I'd rather you listen.

339

: 00:17:06

I want to be listened to.

340

: 00:17:08

I was like, Oh, like, he's like, I

love blowjobs, but like, I actually

341

: 00:17:13

really, really need you to listen to me.

342

: 00:17:15

so that was huge.

343

: 00:17:17

And then it got me, it really

did get me out of my selfish rut.

344

: 00:17:22

It got me out of interrupting

with reckless abandon.

345

: 00:17:26

It got me into my body.

346

: 00:17:28

It got me relating to his sexuality

again, which hadn't happened

347

: 00:17:32

for years, but was important.

348

: 00:17:34

And so it reignited that.

349

: 00:17:35

So I kind of killed two

birds with one stone.

350

: 00:17:37

Yeah.

351

: 00:17:38

Yeah.

352

: 00:17:39

So that was much.

353

: 00:17:41

Yeah.

354

: 00:17:42

Sorry.

355

: 00:17:42

Between between knowing he was gonna get

laid and me knowing I was gonna get laid,

356

: 00:17:48

which meant I then had to make it good.

357

: 00:17:51

Right.

358

: 00:17:51

If I wasn't going to get out of it

or have a headache or need to do

359

: 00:17:54

something for the kids, I was then very

much incentivized to figure out how

360

: 00:17:58

to like it, which was great for me.

361

: 00:18:00

Plus for not interrupting so

that now he wanted to talk to me.

362

: 00:18:05

And I got to know a whole

new human from that.

363

: 00:18:08

I think I did share this before you

did hear this And it was really eye

364

: 00:18:12

opening and I think I interrupted you

when you were talking about it And I

365

: 00:18:15

went yeah, I do that and I actually

talked to my husband about it and you

366

: 00:18:20

know I realized I do I do interrupt him

367

: 00:18:27

I rush I rush lori No, I mean, I

don't know about you, but my husband

368

: 00:18:32

and I have completely different

processing speeds Yes, we do.

369

: 00:18:36

And that's not, he's had, he's played

team sports that which makes him

370

: 00:18:40

so good at carrying things, lifting

things, moving things, doing all

371

: 00:18:43

the things he does for our family is

also that which got him concussions

372

: 00:18:47

and slowed down his processing.

373

: 00:18:49

You can't , everyone's got liabilities.

374

: 00:18:51

It does not make him dumber than me.

375

: 00:18:53

It doesn't make him less valid or

less, deserving of being listened to.

376

: 00:18:57

Mm-hmm . So.

377

: 00:18:58

I take it as a spiritual practice.

378

: 00:19:00

I forgive myself for wanting to go faster.

379

: 00:19:03

That's not, there's not something

wrong with me, but neither is

380

: 00:19:07

there something wrong with him.

381

: 00:19:09

That he thinks about what

he's going to say before he

382

: 00:19:11

says it, that is not a crime.

383

: 00:19:14

So that is, you know, a lot of

women interrupt their husbands.

384

: 00:19:17

A lot of men don't know how

to ask for the attention.

385

: 00:19:20

That's not something they're trained in.

386

: 00:19:22

And some men really talk too much and

don't let a woman get a word in at twice.

387

: 00:19:26

So it's not a universal thing.

388

: 00:19:29

But if the shoe fits and you want to work

on that, it's something that pays off.

389

: 00:19:34

Okay.

390

: 00:19:36

So if there are women who want to kind of

reignite things in their marriage, I guess

391

: 00:19:42

they can share what we're learning today.

392

: 00:19:45

With their husbands and say, you

know, here's the three things.

393

: 00:19:49

How do you think we fit into this?

394

: 00:19:52

You know, I can see that opening up the

communication and then you've got one more

395

: 00:19:57

to talk about which is that division of

labor and A little bit of a question that

396

: 00:20:02

popped into my head when I thought about

that because at this point in my life I

397

: 00:20:07

feel like I got a pretty good life here.

398

: 00:20:09

I mean, my poor hubby's like holding

down the fort and I'm running off to

399

: 00:20:13

workout classes and he's got the 401k

and all the people under him and I get

400

: 00:20:18

to do this podcast and once in a while

help people through, a hard divorce, but

401

: 00:20:23

I feel like I got it pretty good, but.

402

: 00:20:25

There were times during the marriage where

I felt like, why the hell does he have no

403

: 00:20:30

idea what's going on with the children?

404

: 00:20:31

And he's like, you know, Darren

headlights about everything.

405

: 00:20:35

But then I think it could also, I

could also be a person who, so I

406

: 00:20:42

stayed home for a period of time.

407

: 00:20:46

I went to law school after the first

two were born, but I stayed home

408

: 00:20:50

and I think I felt like I had to let

blood because I was staying home.

409

: 00:20:54

And so like, I gotta do everything.

410

: 00:20:57

And Laurie, I, and it wasn't his fault.

411

: 00:21:00

I never, I never rested.

412

: 00:21:02

I like Was going a thousand miles an hour.

413

: 00:21:06

And now when I look at it, I tell my

daughters, you know, I mean, they're

414

: 00:21:10

not, they're both busy working, but my

daughter in law that if you are someone

415

: 00:21:15

who's going to stay home, that's a

job, and that doesn't mean that you.

416

: 00:21:19

Don't ever get to rest.

417

: 00:21:21

And I told my son that too, because

his wife works less than him.

418

: 00:21:25

She's a nurse.

419

: 00:21:26

And so I can see that

division of labor both ways.

420

: 00:21:30

I can see it where I saw myself having

to do way more because it wasn't fair

421

: 00:21:36

because he was the one making the money.

422

: 00:21:38

And I can see the point where I was

like, why am I doing all of this?

423

: 00:21:42

Trying to work, trying to go to school,

trying to take care of the kids.

424

: 00:21:45

And he is oblivious and you're like.

425

: 00:21:49

I could run the world if that

was all I had to focus on.

426

: 00:21:51

And I had a wife behind me.

427

: 00:21:55

I hear everything you're saying.

428

: 00:21:57

And it's, I have a few

things to say about it.

429

: 00:21:59

One is there's a lot of invisible

labor going on on both sides.

430

: 00:22:05

And parenting and running a

household is a full time job.

431

: 00:22:10

Anyone who's ever tried to do

it knows that problem is it's a

432

: 00:22:14

full time job that is 24 hours.

433

: 00:22:17

Yes.

434

: 00:22:18

So unlike the job where you

go into the office, even if

435

: 00:22:21

you're in a law firm, right?

436

: 00:22:23

and you bring work home, you are still

expected to sleep through the night

437

: 00:22:27

so you can do it again the next day.

438

: 00:22:29

That is not true with parenting.

439

: 00:22:32

So, I mean, I wish it was obvious.

440

: 00:22:34

I like to think it's obvious,

but I do have to tell a lot of

441

: 00:22:37

my clients running a household.

442

: 00:22:40

Is a full time job and

depending on bigger household.

443

: 00:22:43

I have a lot of wealthy clients running

their household is like a ceo job It's not

444

: 00:22:47

even It's not even just a job Like going

into starbucks and being a barista, right?

445

: 00:22:55

Truly an executive functioning job

with a lot of moving parts and probably

446

: 00:22:59

more to do than one person can do.

447

: 00:23:01

That is a job.

448

: 00:23:03

It should be treated like a job.

449

: 00:23:04

And by the way, I had role reversal when

I had two young children, I was the main

450

: 00:23:08

breadwinner and my husband was taking care

of the children, but he was also taking

451

: 00:23:13

care of the car and the house and the

real estate and the investments and the

452

: 00:23:17

shopping and the cooking and the like,

he was, all I was doing was working.

453

: 00:23:23

And maybe like one breastfeed

in the middle of the night

454

: 00:23:25

while I was still asleep.

455

: 00:23:27

Yeah, he was even taking the kid after

the breastfeed and putting the kid

456

: 00:23:29

back to like he was doing The biggest

share of the work and I was doing

457

: 00:23:34

the work that made me happy that was

fulfilling That was got me in the world.

458

: 00:23:39

Like it was a role reversal about what

a lot of people feel or experience

459

: 00:23:45

And then at one point we were arguing

enough That we sat down and we talked

460

: 00:23:50

about what it would cost if we hired

my out for everything My husband was

461

: 00:23:54

doing and I had the epiphany I'm not

making enough money to cover, like,

462

: 00:23:59

this man is actually earning, quote

unquote, more than what I am doing

463

: 00:24:04

to earn the money that I am earning.

464

: 00:24:06

Holy crap, I have been

taking him for granted.

465

: 00:24:09

I have been honest.

466

: 00:24:11

So that was a huge eye opener.

467

: 00:24:12

I like that for any, any gender situation.

468

: 00:24:19

but my dream for couples is that

everyone gets to do the thing that

469

: 00:24:23

they like to do and want to do.

470

: 00:24:25

And hopefully there is enough

resource from those activities to

471

: 00:24:29

cover things that nobody wants to do.

472

: 00:24:32

And then with the pile of stuff that

nobody wants to do, the goal would

473

: 00:24:35

be to equitably split those things.

474

: 00:24:38

If you believe in equality, I

happen to believe it and not all

475

: 00:24:41

couples do, but if you believe in

equality, that would be the target.

476

: 00:24:45

But who's responsible for what has

more to do with who is better at it.

477

: 00:24:49

Yep.

478

: 00:24:49

Who cares more about it than 50 50,

because you can't define 50 50 when

479

: 00:24:55

things are weighted differently.

480

: 00:24:57

By the way, my husband likes to do

the dishes and the chores and the car.

481

: 00:25:02

So how do you weight that?

482

: 00:25:04

Right?

483

: 00:25:04

Like what he's doing is worth

more money than what I'm doing.

484

: 00:25:07

He actually enjoys doing that.

485

: 00:25:09

And I enjoy doing this.

486

: 00:25:10

So you can't try to do 50 50 fair.

487

: 00:25:13

You have to do everyone's happy fair.

488

: 00:25:15

Right?

489

: 00:25:16

Right.

490

: 00:25:17

I love that.

491

: 00:25:17

And I see the issue arising,

like I think in my own life.

492

: 00:25:23

For some reason, neither of us

want to take care of finances.

493

: 00:25:26

We just want the other person

to say, no, you can't do that.

494

: 00:25:29

Or yep, you can.

495

: 00:25:30

I'm like, I'm pretty sure my

husband's better at it, Lori.

496

: 00:25:33

So I'm going to have a

talk with him tonight.

497

: 00:25:34

I think he is, you know, it doesn't mean.

498

: 00:25:37

Even if you're better at

something, it doesn't mean the

499

: 00:25:38

other person doesn't help, right?

500

: 00:25:40

Or doesn't support it.

501

: 00:25:42

There's a CEO and a president.

502

: 00:25:45

And it should be the person that's

better at it or cares more about it.

503

: 00:25:50

I mean, my husband folds clothes better

than I do, but I care more that the

504

: 00:25:54

clothes get folded in a better way.

505

: 00:25:56

Yes.

506

: 00:25:56

you really have to ask yourself,

and then if nobody wants to do it,

507

: 00:26:00

I think this is really important.

508

: 00:26:01

I give my clients a tracker with 150

things, and they have to fill out

509

: 00:26:05

who does it, who's responsible, are

we happy with it, can we delegate

510

: 00:26:09

it, so we can see it all visually.

511

: 00:26:12

that to say the truth, neither

of us wants to do this is in

512

: 00:26:18

and of itself a breakthrough.

513

: 00:26:20

Well, I'm glad to hear that because

my husband and I had a breakthrough.

514

: 00:26:24

We're both like, I don't want to do it.

515

: 00:26:26

It's better than he should know.

516

: 00:26:27

She should know he shouldn't

and just resentments and sarcasm

517

: 00:26:30

and quip and like little jabs.

518

: 00:26:32

Neither of us wants to do this.

519

: 00:26:34

What should we do?

520

: 00:26:36

Maybe we can give it to the kids.

521

: 00:26:38

Maybe we can hire it out.

522

: 00:26:40

You know, there are things over the years

that we have negotiated and renegotiated

523

: 00:26:46

because when our businesses have been

busy, my husband and I, there have

524

: 00:26:49

been times when someone has come in and

cooked for us because we needed that.

525

: 00:26:53

And then there were times when we

were like, that's not worth the money.

526

: 00:26:55

That's not worth it for one of us

or the other one of us will do it.

527

: 00:26:58

So you get to keep negotiating,

but remember best friends.

528

: 00:27:02

Team, joint resume, so you decide

together what's best for the unit and

529

: 00:27:08

it's okay if it changes and evolves

as long as everyone's saying the truth

530

: 00:27:12

about what they need and the other one's

attempting to help you get your needs

531

: 00:27:15

met, not at the expense of their own.

532

: 00:27:18

I think what I love about what you're,

what you're talking about today, and

533

: 00:27:21

it's almost time to wrap up here, Lori.

534

: 00:27:23

It went so fast.

535

: 00:27:23

I knew it would.

536

: 00:27:24

But to me, what I'm hearing.

537

: 00:27:27

For the, really the most important

piece, and tell me if I'm

538

: 00:27:31

wrong, is that communication?

539

: 00:27:34

You know, communicate, like,

you know, you said sex,

540

: 00:27:36

communication, division of labor.

541

: 00:27:38

But if you can communicate about

the sex, You're opening the door.

542

: 00:27:43

If you can communicate,

about the division of labor.

543

: 00:27:49

Let me just give you one more principle,

and then we'll wrap up, which is, In

544

: 00:27:53

every relationship, there is the physical

integrity, the emotional integrity, and

545

: 00:27:57

the, I call it spiritual integrity, but

you could call it philosophical integrity.

546

: 00:28:02

And what I mean by that,

philosophical integrity is when

547

: 00:28:05

you guys agree on the principle.

548

: 00:28:09

Some couples agree on the

principle of equality, some don't.

549

: 00:28:13

Some couples agree the woman should work.

550

: 00:28:16

Some couples don't, right?

551

: 00:28:17

Like the, the, some people

don't, there are, Different

552

: 00:28:20

philosophies, and most couples do

not talk about their philosophies.

553

: 00:28:24

They make assumptions about philosophies.

554

: 00:28:26

Philosophies change and they

don't update each other.

555

: 00:28:29

Or sometimes you have a philosophy, but

you're not living true to that philosophy.

556

: 00:28:32

Right?

557

: 00:28:32

Like you have a philosophy

and you listen, but you don't.

558

: 00:28:35

So, there's often a conversation to be

had about, do we agree on the philosophy?

559

: 00:28:40

And that's usually a good place to start.

560

: 00:28:43

So for example, husband, do you agree that

one of us should be managing the finances?

561

: 00:28:48

Yes or no?

562

: 00:28:49

Do you agree that we should

be managing our finances?

563

: 00:28:52

What do we think we should be doing?

564

: 00:28:54

That's a philosophical question.

565

: 00:28:56

That's a good place to start because

it does not have emotional content.

566

: 00:29:00

It doesn't actually require very good

communication unless it gets emotional.

567

: 00:29:05

It's really like, what

do you think about this?

568

: 00:29:07

Let me hear what you think.

569

: 00:29:09

Let me tell you what I think.

570

: 00:29:10

And then we'll see how we feel.

571

: 00:29:11

The emotional integrity has

to do with how you feel.

572

: 00:29:14

And so what you're saying is

like the emotional integrity

573

: 00:29:16

is the most important, right?

574

: 00:29:17

Laurie, it's how you feel about each

other because you're either connected

575

: 00:29:21

and communicating or you're not.

576

: 00:29:22

I would agree.

577

: 00:29:23

That's the most important.

578

: 00:29:24

I would agree that can trump.

579

: 00:29:26

You could disagree philosophically,

but if you understand each other and

580

: 00:29:29

you have compassion for where the other

one is at, that can clear up a problem,

581

: 00:29:33

even if you don't philosophically agree,

even if you're not following your rules.

582

: 00:29:37

Just to know that you get it, that

it hurts me when I interrupt you, it

583

: 00:29:42

hurts, and you get that that hurts.

584

: 00:29:44

Right.

585

: 00:29:45

That is powerful.

586

: 00:29:46

More powerful than me never

interrupting, more powerful than me

587

: 00:29:49

agreeing that interrupting is wrong.

588

: 00:29:51

Right?

589

: 00:29:52

Me saying, I get it,

I hurt you, I'm sorry.

590

: 00:29:55

Yes, I agree.

591

: 00:29:56

Most important.

592

: 00:29:56

And that happens in communication.

593

: 00:29:59

Philosophical alignment, very

important for the long term

594

: 00:30:01

maintenance of a relationship.

595

: 00:30:03

Households being run together

and love being exchanged.

596

: 00:30:06

Emotional integrity.

597

: 00:30:07

Yes.

598

: 00:30:08

The most important, the

underpinning for all of it.

599

: 00:30:10

When I work with couples, we have

to clean that up quickly because

600

: 00:30:14

we cannot talk about physical

integrity until that is in place.

601

: 00:30:18

Integrity is physical solutions.

602

: 00:30:19

Okay.

603

: 00:30:20

We're going to look at the

checkbook together once a month.

604

: 00:30:21

We're going to talk to each other

about any purchase over 300.

605

: 00:30:25

We're going to meet with

a financial advisor.

606

: 00:30:27

by November 30th.

607

: 00:30:29

Those are physical integrity

answers that can only be,

608

: 00:30:35

can only really be concluded effectively

if the emotional integrity is in.

609

: 00:30:39

So if the communication is good and it

feels good, then we are much smarter to

610

: 00:30:43

come up with physical solutions that will

sustain a better situation going forward.

611

: 00:30:50

Yep.

612

: 00:30:50

And I love that you just brought

this up because You just played out

613

: 00:30:54

what we're doing with our finances.

614

: 00:30:56

So I love that, that is what we're doing.

615

: 00:30:59

And when you talk about philosophies,

I think that's where I lucked out.

616

: 00:31:03

I think we do have our basic philosophies

in line, even when They've changed.

617

: 00:31:09

So that I think is that blessing.

618

: 00:31:10

And how did I stay married this long?

619

: 00:31:12

I don't even know what I'm doing.

620

: 00:31:14

Yeah, you had an intuition at some point.

621

: 00:31:16

Yeah.

622

: 00:31:16

I and I think alike and

that's a huge advantage.

623

: 00:31:20

That is a huge advantage because that

emotional stuff goes in and out in any,

624

: 00:31:24

in any healthy couple and the physical

stuff has to keep being renegotiated as we

625

: 00:31:29

change and have new and different needs.

626

: 00:31:32

So if you have that baseline of

philosophical alignment, That's huge.

627

: 00:31:35

And that's, again, like if

you're a dater, go to my other.

628

: 00:31:40

And that's what I'm thinking of too.

629

: 00:31:41

So if you're looking for love

and dating, don't forget that.

630

: 00:31:44

Don't forget how important that is because

you want to end up, if you're going to

631

: 00:31:48

end up with somebody, it's a big deal.

632

: 00:31:50

And so make sure these things align.

633

: 00:31:51

Yeah.

634

: 00:31:52

Um, and you're not feeling rushed.

635

: 00:31:53

So Lori, we have to go,

but this is so amazing.

636

: 00:31:57

I am so grateful to you.

637

: 00:31:59

I love chatting with you.

638

: 00:32:00

You open me up to things I don't

normally talk about, and I love that.

639

: 00:32:04

And you just are a gift.

640

: 00:32:06

So thank you so much.

641

: 00:32:07

And just tell me if people want to

get ahold of you for help and, you

642

: 00:32:10

know, getting their marriages back

on track, how can they reach you?

643

: 00:32:15

Laurie Gerber.

644

: 00:32:16

com is the best place.

645

: 00:32:17

L a U R I E G E R B E R.

646

: 00:32:19

com.

647

: 00:32:20

You will see that most of my

stuff is geared towards dating.

648

: 00:32:25

That's just cause that's what

I'm having fun with right now.

649

: 00:32:27

I work with couples.

650

: 00:32:29

I work with individuals.

651

: 00:32:30

I work with everyone.

652

: 00:32:31

So just dig into the coaching section

of the website and you'll see what

653

: 00:32:36

I do for couples and individuals.

654

: 00:32:37

If that's what you're looking for.

655

: 00:32:39

Wonderful.

656

: 00:32:40

And I love that because I, I love

it when people can stay together.

657

: 00:32:45

All right.

658

: 00:32:46

Thank you so much.

659

: 00:32:47

You take good care.

660

: 00:32:48

You too.