Rebuilding Life After Loss Part 2

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Welcome listeners.

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This is what you've been

waiting for all week.

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I know I have Carrie Hopkins

doubts back here with me.

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She's a spiritual resilience

coach, and she was nice enough.

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to come back this week because

we had the greatest conversation.

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And I'm so thankful, Carrie, to

have you back here and listeners.

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If you want to hear Carrie's story, just

go back and listen, because, you know, as

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I said, I love it when people go through

something really difficult and hard.

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And they do something about it and

they help other people with it.

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And that's exactly what

Carrie's doing in her work.

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So we started it last week and

we started talking about the nine

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steps to rebuilding life after loss.

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It can be the loss of a loved one.

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It can be a divorce.

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It can be the loss of, a

big change in your life.

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It doesn't necessarily have to be a death.

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But I was going to try to restate

the first three foundational

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steps, but Carrie, welcome back.

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Do you want to just really briefly

do an overview and then we'll jump

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right into this, the six that follow?

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Sure.

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We talked about this in the last

week's session and my nine step

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program for rebuilding your life

after loss starts with the very

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first step of creating a safety net.

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If you're hurting, if you're

needing support, if you can't get

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out of bed, you want to create a

safety net for you to feel and to

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name and express your feelings.

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So that's that first step.

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And then.

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The second one, we talked about creating

capacity through radical self care.

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it's often when you're going through a big

loss and you're perhaps having to support

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other people at the same time who are

going through the same loss, you may have

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put your own self care on the back burner.

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going through grief is just going to

affect you on the physical level, and

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so it's really important for you to

take good care of yourself, not only

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in the physical, but the mental, the

emotional, and the spiritual level.

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So that's where we dive into that

and create a health and wellness plan

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for you to implement and to stick to.

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And then the third thing we talked

about was making peace with the past.

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A lot of times we find ourselves

Wanting to move on from a loss and

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unfortunately, we don't move on.

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We move forward carrying what

we've experienced with us.

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And it really helps if we are

not carrying baggage with us.

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We're not repeating, patterns

from the past that are.

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not good for us, so we really examine

that, and this is where we start to bring

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in that idea of forgiveness, of letting

things, really go that are, in your way,

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blocking you from feeling, peaceful about

your decisions, what you did do, what you

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didn't do, et cetera, about what happened.

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So that's where we really make

peace with the past, so you're

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able to start moving forward then.

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So that brings us to step four.

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Wonderful.

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Thank you so much.

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So now that we've cleared and

set a foundation for ourselves

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emotionally, we can start.

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to design the vision for the life

that you want to create on the

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other side of this big change.

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And this is where, you know, a lot

of times when people are in the

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midst or they're really close into

the loss, if you were to ask them,

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well, What kind of life do you want

to create for yourself after this?

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A lot of times, I don't know, I don't

know, I just need to get through this.

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But this, as being the fourth step, we've

had some time and people start to, think

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about, well, what is it that I want to

be experiencing, you know, in my future?

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And this is where we really, bring in

visioning, tools to help people really

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dream big, really create a life that they

love on the other side of that divorce.

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So, what we do next is, in step

five, I call that creating your

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future, because now that we have

the vision or the blueprint from

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step four, we start taking action.

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So we start putting new plans in motion.

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We take those visions,

we take those goals.

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we turn them into realistic,

manageable action steps.

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this is where I introduce

what I call the baby steps.

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sometimes when we feel overwhelmed and

we feel like we're not able to take these

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major steps we can take the little baby

steps that are so important because once

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you get that momentum of, taking action,

then more action as a result of that.

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I love how you said that.

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And I, I still believe in that.

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with a breathing technique.

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I started a new breathing technique

and it's in the past in a past podcast.

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I tell you how I do it, but I

only do it five minutes at night.

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And five minutes in the morning.

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And it's actually affecting my sleep

positively and my stress level.

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And that's just a tiny little thing

and it does, it makes it easier and you

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can feel good about, I've never really

been able to meditate or do breath

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work, but when I took it as little five

minute increments, so I think that's

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what you're saying now, Carrie, you

know, how I jump in with questions.

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So I have to, right.

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To step number four, when you're talking

about designing, your vision, I know

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when people are really in a tough spot.

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Whether, whatever it is, it's, you

kinda wallow in it for a while.

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Mm-Hmm.

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or it's hard to envision.

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Like I even think if you lose the

love of your life, what point can

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you envision it and, and how long can

people expect to have to sit in kind

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of those, the sadness and learning

how to come to peace with the past.

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Well, you're raising a really excellent

point because just because we've

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explored a step and people have taken

action on those steps, it doesn't mean

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you're not going to be revisiting them.

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You know, cause life comes and we have

a new grief trigger, a new situation or

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circumstance that kind of puts you back

into, Oh, well, I need to, spend some

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time really, feeling my feelings again.

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So we need to honor the very

fluid, aspects of grief.

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It's not a linear process where, Hey,

I'm done with that onto the next.

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And so you're raising such a great point.

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And the other great point that you

raised was we don't just sit down and go.

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You know, we do this very intentionally.

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So we start with the power of intention.

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So we help people, well, what

is an intention that you might

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like to set for your life?

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You know, on the other side

of this divorce, on the

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other side of this big loss.

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and so a power of intention

could be helping a person

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come up with their intention.

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Because once we set the intention, it

works as a magnet in a way to start

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bringing forward for you the experiences

and the, learning that you need.

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And so it's like when you're clear on

in your intention, you may not know how,

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but it starts to show up on how you're

going to implement that intention.

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Okay.

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I totally, yeah, I totally get that.

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something that I did that I called

future self work, like what did you see?

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And then you kind of make your way there.

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But the question that I have is like,

is it possible that might take you

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a couple of years after a big loss

to actually be able to envision?

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And so, you know, for those.

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For people, I don't want to, it's painful

and I don't want to see suffering, right?

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We don't want the suffering, but

we're going to feel the pain.

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You're absolutely right because we're

going to go in and out of that process.

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And that's the beauty of, you

know, when I take somebody through

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this, I'm right there with you.

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So I know when you're ready

to move to the next thing.

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Okay.

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A lot of what we do also in this

segment is, clarifying your core values.

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What's really important, what's always

been important to you, and what will

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continue to be important to you.

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So, we're creating, from this,

alignment, with what's important to you.

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If it's family, it may be creating

a life where you're close by family,

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so the clarity starts to come

in through the exercises we do.

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And it's also a baby step towards

having a full blown vision.

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And here's the thing, we may

create a vision, we don't

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know how to get there, right?

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But that's the power of intention.

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Once we set the intention, it's

like the ways to move forward

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just start materializing.

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It's really interesting.

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I haven't seen anybody really get

stuck here and just say, I can't

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create my vision for my future.

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We start small.

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You know, if you think

about a baby step, right?

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We're going to take a baby step here.

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To a baby, when they take their very first

step, when they sit up, when they do a

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milestone, a baby step, it's a milestone.

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It's like, it changes their life.

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when they're able to sit up by

themselves, they're able to do things

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that they couldn't do when they

could just be on their tummy, right?

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So even if it's a baby

step, it's a milestone.

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So, so these are important steps, you

know, like your, your example there,

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a small step taken five minutes in the

morning, five minutes in the evening,

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can create a huge change for you.

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Yep.

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And I even get it now where you could

do it rather early and say, I just

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want to be able to feel good enough to

get out for a little walk next week.

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Yeah.

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Okay.

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I get it.

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I get it.

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Thank you very much for clarifying that.

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Okay.

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So now we have.

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Now we're on number six, I think.

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So we've, we've aligned with her goals.

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We've done our brainstorming and

planning and in step five, we've

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also, you know, looked at the power of

accountability, having an accountability

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buddy, you know, somebody to partner

with going, how's it going on?

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You create, you know,

taking action on your steps.

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And then.

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Module 7, the 7th step is, I call

it Exploring Purpose and Meaning.

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And, you know, it's really important

at this stage to understand that

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what happens for a lot of people

is they come up with this idea

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that they no longer have purpose.

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if you're a mom and you lost your son.

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You know, well, that was my purpose

to, you know, so it's like we really

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look at you may have a new purpose

or a different purpose or a slightly

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different sort of shift on the way you

see your purpose, but you have purpose.

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You know, so it's like we really

help people get in touch with their

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purpose now, and really start looking

at those internal, and spiritual

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adjustments that they need to make

about their own self identity.

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Who am I?

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Why am I here?

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Well, what is the contribution

I'm here to make in the world?

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And we help people create

a life purpose statement.

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And this becomes their true north.

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You know, this is why I'm here.

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And it's not, you know, people get

a little, tweaked around purpose.

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Like it's this big grand thing.

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it is very often a very simple thing

about your way of being in the world.

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What is my purpose?

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how do you pinpoint that?

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It can be as simple as, people really

getting in touch with a very deep purpose

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of my purpose is to be, loving, is to

be in my loving no matter what, or my

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purpose is to, Just be a safe space

for people, I'm just throwing out some

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examples for you It's not like my purpose

is to become you know, the the best

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violin player on the world, you know It's

it's not even so much a doing purpose.

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It is who are you being

while you're doing?

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Okay, cuz when you said that Loving

hits me that that's a loving my

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grandchildren, my children, my husband,

my friends, people, just people.

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And then what popped in was a

doing was a sharing what I learned.

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There's right on the money because

I really look at there's the

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soul energy and then there's the

doing energy, the ego, right?

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And we talk about if your purpose

is to be loving and you're infusing

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that soul essence of loving into

whatever it is you're doing,

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you're fulfilling your purpose.

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That can be an intention.

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And sometimes we don't quite be as

loving as we'd like to be, when we're

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activated or upset or hurt But if

that's our intention and that's our

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purpose, we just keep coming back to it.

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it's like if we're headed somewhere

and we get a little off course,

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we know where we're headed still.

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Right.

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Okay.

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And I have a question.

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So because I really didn't put that

much thought into that, is that

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probably the correct purpose in my life?

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I don't think there's a correct.

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I think it's, there's no

right or wrong answer to this.

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There's the answer that is best for you.

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But often it boils down

to something very similar.

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you know, if we as a soul having a human

experience and our soul is here to help us

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learn to be more loving while we're having

that human experience, it can kind of

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boil down to, if you choose loving as your

purpose, you're in pretty good territory.

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Okay.

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Well, I just know I love

loving and it happens.

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That's right.

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Yeah.

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So that could be your purpose and

how you share that in the world, like

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your podcast, you know, loving on your

people, you know, who are listening.

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for me, that's a big part of my purpose.

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And I wish I could remember all the

details of mine, but mine is really

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to create a safe space for people to.

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adjust to these kinds of losses and create

a life they love on the other side of it.

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So that's the doing part of it.

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But it's also while I'm doing,

I am being with people in my

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very best loving present self.

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I love that.

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It's much simpler than I was making

it when you first brought it up.

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So thank you for clarifying.

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Okay.

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A lot here.

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Definitely.

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Oh Yeah.

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Yes, there is.

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I feel like you could talk about

each one for a half an hour.

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Yeah.

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Well, and, and doing each of these

steps, it is, you know, a period

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of time where we, we really focus

in on this and, and give everybody

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the time that they need for sure.

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Number eight.

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I call this reframing the relationship.

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So often if There's a death, you know, we

still have a relationship with a person

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who has died because that's inside of us.

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this is where we really take a

look at what we call the reframe.

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You know, how we're going to look at

the relationship, and how not only

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are we looking at it from a lens

of the past, but the nowness of it.

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What's the quality of this relationship

that you want to, nurture inside you?

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Because, You know, in most grief,

counseling, programs, we don't

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talk about, well, you've just got

to forget that person and move on.

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No, that person has been a part of your

life and continues to be part of your

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life because that relationship, like I

said, it lives inside of you, even though

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they're not physically present with you.

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Okay.

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I have another question.

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Yes.

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Could it be?

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Your relationship with yourself

that you're reframing because

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that's how I see like you've been

through something difficult Like a

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health journey And you're different.

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Yeah, because of it and maybe it was

scary and you know you and so now you

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Reframe the relationship you have with

yourself in the present And you can okay.

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All right.

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I like that If you think about

reframing, it's like, we're talking

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about like photography kind of like,

so say you see a picture and you're

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looking at this particular part of the

picture, if you move the frame to a

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different part of the picture, you're

going to see something different.

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So this is what, what I help people do.

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It's just like the reframing is kind of

just a process of where are we looking?

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What are we focusing on?

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And this is particularly helpful when

people are going through a divorce

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because often the spouse is still, you

know, part of the picture, especially if

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they're our children for co parenting.

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So we definitely want to help the two.

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or the one person I'm working with,

reframe the relationship and move

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away from they're bad and wrong and

they hurt me and da, da, da, da.

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But reframe it in such a way

that there's a path towards being

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able to have a cordial working

relationship with this person.

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Okay.

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So, that's very practical in terms

of, when people go through a divorce.

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Mm hmm.

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Yeah.

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I totally understand that.

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And then, our, let's see, our ninth step?

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Yeah, I think we're on.

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I might have, I might have

gotten the, the steps mixed up

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in terms of which one is which.

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Six is exploring purpose and meaning.

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Seven is reframing the relationship.

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Embracing your strengths.

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So this is where we get to look

back on the last seven steps and you

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will find that you have discovered

strengths you didn't know you had.

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you didn't know that you knew

how to do certain things.

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Well, what happens?

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You get stronger.

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And so this is the step where we

look back and go, here are all

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the ways that I've grown stronger.

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And really naming and embracing

that, it just, it brings it right in

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where you go, yeah, this has changed

me in many ways for the better.

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Love it.

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And then our last step is anchoring

the learning by giving back.

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It's service.

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So people who have really, adapted

to and adjusted to this kinds of

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loss and are in the process or have.

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Rebuild their life after loss.

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Typically what happens is it just opens

up this area of compassion and wanting

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to help people are in perhaps maybe a

similar situation to themselves, or just

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to give back in service in some way.

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Cause it's just, it's our natural

inclination when our heart is open,

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: 00:20:07

when we've been through something major

and we see, other people struggling.

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We want to give, we want to

support, we want to be of service.

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: 00:20:16

So we talk about the ways that you

can, once you're grounded in this new

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: 00:20:20

life, you want to give back to your

community or to your family, to the

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: 00:20:25

world, in this open hearted way that

you have cultivated with yourself.

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: 00:20:31

So it's really a beautiful way to wrap.

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You know, how satisfying it

can feel to serve someone.

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Amen.

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: 00:20:41

And when you're saying this, Carrie,

it is exactly what you're doing.

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You are, you've gone through

this, you've healed, and now

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you're helping other people.

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: 00:20:53

And so, I so appreciate that.

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: 00:20:56

And I love chatting with you.

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I feel like I have a new friend.

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: 00:21:00

Time flew by again.

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: 00:21:01

Carrie, I do want to

probably have you back again,

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: 00:21:04

Let's stay in touch because, and

listeners, if there's anything

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that you want Carrie to delve

into more, please let me know.

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: 00:21:11

And Carrie, once again, we'll have

all your information in the show

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: 00:21:14

notes, but how do people find you?

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So it's Carrie Hopkins Dowell.

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So you can find me at

my company's website.

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: 00:21:21

It's life's next chapter coaching.

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: 00:21:23

And yeah, if you want to have

a conversation, reach out, I'm

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: 00:21:27

happy to support and let me know.

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: 00:21:29

You found me on Lisa's show.

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: 00:21:31

Wonderful.

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: 00:21:32

So listeners do that.

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: 00:21:34

Carrie's awesome.

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: 00:21:35

I feel like I want to reach out and

talk to her too, on a personal level.

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: 00:21:39

I appreciate you being here,

Carrie, and we will connect again

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because you are a new person in

my life that I love to chat with.

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: 00:21:47

Likewise.

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: 00:21:47

Thank you, Lisa.

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Thank you to all your listeners.